Through the windowpane
by moon-soon
Summary: Logan notices that his vivid dream world in seeping into reality. Is he loosing his mind or is something more sinister coming into play? AU request fic for Katerina The Von
1. Through the windowpane

**Author's Note: So I'm on an updating role and I thought I'd post this. It's the prologue for the request fic I'm writing for ****Katerina The Von (don't worry in the upcoming chapters will cover your prompt.) I am sorry for this by the way, I've been watching Paralax and it got me in a mind bending universe hopping mood.**

**Okay the premise for this is that two Logan's of two universes are switching in and out of their own realities**

There was something about being in another person's skin that made you instantly aware of it. There was an unsettling texture when you rubbed your fingers together, and the shape of your teeth doesn't feel quite right in your mouth. Logan blinks and there is an unusual weight to his eyelashes and his hair tickles his face in a foreign way.

Logan wasn't sure exactly when he fell asleep, but he knew he must have.

He was him again.

Ever since Logan was young he sought ways in which to retreat into himself and when he was twelve he found the perfect escape from reality... and into someone else's. He fell asleep and his subconscious had made him a wonderful alternative reality to explore.

He was a different person there, though he still looked, sounded and occasionally acted like Logan Mitchell. But this was a world in which he didn't have be so smart, or work so hard. He could be a different version of himself in a reality almost the same to his own.

His dad said he had an overactive imagination, and would always beam with pride that Logan even seemed to dream in a far more advanced state than his peers.

He didn't tell his dad it was like invading somebody else's body because he'd probably have him committed. He didn't tell him that when Logan was awake- dream Logan still carried on with his day so it felt like an advanced state of controlled voyarism when he slipped into his skin.

But he wouldn't wish that world away for anything. Because in his mind, and only in his mind there existed a boy named Carlos.

Carlos was his best friend in this dream world and they would goof off and play games. Or jump off a roof into a swimming pool if he felt like it. He didn't do if often because he didn't like going to sleep and waking up in pain. Or his stupid subconscious making him wearing a cast in his dreams for months.

He could tell Carlos anything, and he would listen... Of course the boy would always look at him with such bemusement. "Why do you make up these stories Logan?" he'd ask when Logan told him about his sweet girlfriend Camille and his oddly enthusiastic neighbour Kendall.

"You make up so many strange people and places."

"Because sometimes I don't exist in your world" he tried to explain but it came out more garbled and incompressible. So Carlos would just laugh and ask him to tell him another story.

And Carlos would humour him and tell him stories of the childhood that they had supposedly shared that Logan had no memory of.

Dream Logan liked to paint and would paint every wall within his parent's house and while he never held any interest in school he still was insanely intelligent.

Dream Logan was always very well liked not that it had ever mattered to him. He never stayed in a relationship to long and come the fall he would be going to college without a major and without a plan. Unlike the real Logan, who was immediately starting a pre-med major with a double degree in psychology.

Actually there seemed to be very few traces of Logan's actual personality in his imaginary version of himself. And Logan wondered if he was subconsciously depressed. That he secretly wanted to change everything about himself.

"Loges" Carlos snapped him out of a daze and stared down at him from where he had climbed high up the tree. "Are you alright?" his face creased in worry and Logan tried to relax and smile how the Logan of this 'reality' might smile. Carlos always seemed very put off when he slipped into his regular tight lipped smile.

"You were out of it for a second- I was worried you were going to fall out of the tree" Carlos grabbed his hand and he realised he was high up on a branch in the air, with no recollection of how he got there.

That was different. Logan usually went to sleep and woke up as... Loges, for lack of a better name for his alternate self. Now he seemed to be slipping in and out of consciousness- in one second he'd be talking to Kendall about the importance of labelling his boxes for college and the next moment Carlos would be in front of him telling him to hurry up or stop spacing out.

"So we're off to college tomorrow- my dad couldn't be more proud that we graduated- and he almost died when I got into college."

Logan laughed a laugh that wasn't quite his own, "couldn't leave you behind buddy- what's a few forged grades between friends."

The words weren't his own- but it wasn't unlike the dream world to have occasional random flashes from Loges' memories. He could see clearly a flash a man that might be Logan if he wasn't smiling such a deranged smile, clattering on keys and laughing to himself.

Carlos blushed, "I'm just glad we're going to go to college together- there's no way I could do this without you."

Logan smiled- and it seemed to be cross between how he wanted to smile at his friend and how he should. "I don't think I can do it without you either," Logan confession and he grasped his hand tightly.

Would college stop the dreams? Would Carlos and everyone else he loved here disappear as well?

Suddenly colours were melting around him and he was very close to Kendall's face.

"Dude! Are you okay?" he gripped his shoulders, "that was so weird- you were all different for a few moments."

"Don't worry about it" Camille laughed and patted Logan affectionately on the shoulder "he's ALWAYS doing that- one minuet he's normal and the next he is ranting about how it would be totally wicked to race turtles- it's so cute."

"It's schizophrenic is what it is" Kendall shined a light in his eyes, presumably just cause that's what doctors do whenever anyone ever checks him out.

"It's more split personality really" Logan told him numbly "and that is NOT something I do!" he glared at his girlfriend who giggled helplessly.

"You don't have to be embarrassed Logie- sometimes you say the sweetest things..."

"And SOMETIMES you make fun of people's eyebrows" Kendall glared, covering that part of his face. "Look I realise we've never been exactly friends, but could you lay off the brows! A man has his pride- but he also has his sensitive areas."

Logan cringed- Kendall was his next-door neighbour and probably the closest thing he had to a friend outside of imaginary Carlos and non-imaginary Camille. Helping the blonde pack for college was supposed to be a gesture of friendship.

"What else did I say?" Logan asked in concern and Kendall actually grinned.

"Well you told me I should paint my room like time and space- and then you actually did!" he gestured at a wall that had a swatch of black painted on it with a million tiny stars and a beautiful pink and purple swirling black hole.

The thing was... Logan didn't know how to paint. He never had- except for in grade six where he painted a turkey for thanksgiving which looked more like a hippopotamus.

"I think I have to lay down." Logan said faintly and stood up and started the trek back to his house.

"Wait!" Kendall called out panicky "aren't you going to help me with these boxes?"

Logan went to bed hoping he would wake up in a world where he wasn't loosing his mind.

It was not to be.

Kendall helped Logan pull the last of his boxes out of Logan's car. "Thanks for the ride Logan" he grinned "isn't it cool we're going to be in the same dorm! How lucky is that? Too bad it's not the same room- but maybe we'll end up neighbours again!"

Logan snorted and grinned, college was looking better than high school already. Kendall was the only nice guy he knew his age, and Kendall had gone to an all boys private school- which had made high school hell. The year was looking brighter just by his mere presence.

"You're going to help me unpack after right?" Kendall pleaded with Logan who was busy trying to drag a heavy box of books behind him. "Cause I'm helping you" he held up a small box in good faith and Logan stopped to stare at him incredulously.

"You picked up the smallest box I had- I thought you were a big strong hockey player?"

"I am! How dare you insult my patronage I'll take you on right-"

They stopped in front of room 2J and they stared at it reverently, "this is where you'll be staying for four years." Kendall breathed almost reverently before whirling around to Logan excitedly. "You'll let me crash here if my room mate is a total dud right?"

"a-a room mate?" Logan repeated fairly and paled, he hadn't factored for a room mate...

The door swung open and a boy stood proudly grinning at the two of them. And Logan was shocked into silence.

"Can I help you?"

Kendall grinned back at the boy and swung his arm around Logan "hey man- I'm Kendall and YOU must be Logan's new room mate, right?"

'no it can't be.'

"Cool!" he grinned enthusiastically shaking Kendall's hand, he had dark hair, a Carmel skin... and he HAD to be a figment of Logan's imagination.

"I'm Carlos Garcia!"

'I thought I made you up.'


	2. And out the other side again

**Author's note: Thanks to all those that reviewed and favourited- I've got one more chapter of set up before this story takes off so bare with me Oh and please excuse any mistakes my beta has been ill and I had taken to editing it myself- but I'm not great at picking up my own errors so pardon for that.**

Logan knew how he liked his eggs.

That would have been a really cool coincidence if he didn't also seemingly know about his love for danger and secret love for the my little ponies franchise.

Which just made it a little weird.

He didn't know where Carlos had grown up until Carlos had told him but Logan still walked around like they had known each other forever- so convincingly Carlos had to double check that they actually hadn't sometimes.

He wanted to slip into the comfortableness of that, like how the usually awkward Logan slipped into so easily. But it just seemed SO wrong to be like that with a person he'd known less than a month. Carlos loved people, but he didn't take quickly to them on an emotional level- he barely had started feeling comfortable with his fish Norman. And Carlos had him for a year.

Carlos settled on being vaguely wary of Logan instead because that seemed the most sensible thing to do. But that was difficult because like previously mentioned Carlos was a people person at heart and Logan just so happened to be a person.

It's also difficult because Logan is smart- like really smart and shockingly funny. Sure he's a little bit odd but it's in a sort of charming thing about him.

He likes Logan's girlfriend as well- she's delightfully wild and colourful next to Logan's muted greys and blacks.

And then there's Logan's best friend Kendall who is really cool too… once he stops hovering around Logan like a worried mother. Carlos might like them- Carlos might even say he'd found friends in college, which he had thought impossible when he first moved in.

Then Logan has a fit and Carlos realises all over again that he's living with a stranger. Who apparently is suffering the weirdest disease Carlos has ever seen.

Carlos ended up nicking Logan's phone the first time so Kendall can deal with it because Carlos really needed to go to class. Or maybe he just really needed to curl up in a ball at a coffee shop while the barista brought him out cup after cup like it's old hat.

It's not the fitting- though maybe it should be because Kendall seems freaked about it because apparently that's never happened before. He then went back to being unnaturally protective of Logan and Carlos doesn't get to see 'cool Kendall' anymore, just 'worried Kendall' and sometimes even 'irrationally mad Kendall.'

No Carlos isn't bothered by the fitting- he had a spot of his own childhood epilepsy and still has a helmet that he likes to wear around the house, even if he hasn't fitted since he was fourteen.

It's just when Logan looked up Carlos just knew- he JUST KNEW he wasn't looking at his roommate anymore.

It wasn't Logan Mitchell- smart enough that it hurt and funny enough the Carlos was still choking on laughter late into the night. This person wasn't bad or anything. Logan didn't have an evil personality like out of the various movies Carlos didn't watch anymore.

And that was a relief. Carlos didn't think he could stand a gotee having version of Logan- imagine the unrestrained carnage.

It still wasn't Logan though. And Carlos couldn't stand the thought that there was something other than Logan lurking beneath his skin.

Other Logan- however brief his visits seemed angry at his presence. Which was fine because Carlos learnt to be angry too.

It was too exhausting to not like Logan- dependable sweet Logan, not the man with different eyes but same everything else. So when he saw not-Logan in full blown possession mode he usually snapped like dry wood.

He came home once (and for all the difficulties the place contained he WAS actually starting to think of the dorm as home) to find Logan blowing off his anatomy class in favour of apparently painting murals on the paper-covered floor.

Carlos recognised it wasn't Logan as soon as he stepped through the door. 'I'm just glad he decided to use paper this time' Carlos thought to himself slightly hysterically before making his presence known.

"Good afternoon George" Carlos said coolly and Logan looked up and gave him a grin that might look natural on his face- if he was wearing his own face and not someone else's.

"Still calling me George, eh Carlos?" George snickered and his voice registered in a lower octave than Logan's and made it sound smooth and rough at the same time. "You know I have a Carlos on the other side too, decent guy Carlos- but you're kind of a prick so should I rename you too?"

"I don't care what you do" Carlos lied, because Logan was still in there somewhere- even if he didn't have control, and he couldn't help but care about him.

"Then it's settled" George jumps up and waves his paintbrush around and lays the handle on one of Carlos' shoulder and then the other "I dub you sir grand high Knight sir Edmund Jezebel."

"You said sir twice" Carlos told him dully and shifted his jacket off because there was paint on it now and when Logan was Logan and not George he'd probably want to soak it or something.

"You bet I did" George winks at him before crouching down to return to his mural. It's silent for a couple of moments and it's enough time for Carlos to grab some left over curry from the fridge that Logan had glad wrapped for him. There is a sticky note telling him not to blow up the microwave again by leaving the aluminum on again.

Carlos is feeling unbearably fond of Logan for a moment before George opens his mouth again.

"He's a bit of a loser isn't he?"

"What?" Carlos isn't almost surprised enough to drop the curry but he doesn't because he's hungry- and he KNOWS he's lucky to have a dorm mate who knows how to cook.

"The other Logan" George rolls his eyes and it takes Carlos a minuet to realise he's talking about regular Logan and not talking about himself in some kind of weird first person sense.

"I mean I wake up in an anatomy class and we're not drawing naked chicks or anything" he complains and starts using wide strokes on the painting that might be on the wrong side of violent.

"Logan's going to be a doctor- what are you going to be?" Carlos shoots back venomously- no one talks about his friend that way. Not... even... himself?

"Me?" George laughed "I plan to be a professional lay-a-bout; thinking of getting my doctorate and everything- who knows maybe when Logan's a 'doctor' I could be the one giving doctorly advice while he takes over my life without my permission."

Carlos is so frightened of what the future holds for Logan he can't stand it sometimes. Frightened for him and of him.

George stares at him hard and cocks his head "you're all different here" he admits like it physically hurts him to acknowledge such a thing. "Where I live- where I am most of the time you my friend- my best friend."

"What about Kendall?" Carlos asked before he can stop himself and George shrugged.

"I don't think he exists there" he tells him like it's a secret "I saw Camille once but I think she lives far away now- and what would I even say to her? Hi excuse me miss- in another life you and I are totally boning."

"She would slap you so hard" Carlos laughed and George gave him a grin. Carlos tries to think of there being another Camille and what that would be like… but all he ends up doing is trying to piece together what this other Carlos might be like and if gives him a headache.

Carlos doesn't want to think about a world where Logan doesn't have Kendall- where Camille doesn't love him because... that would make him... a completely different person.

"So tell me more about this other Carlos" Carlos gets down on the floor cross-legged and George- LOGAN gives him a grin. He'd rather be informed than not, and maybe he'll finally be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

"Anything for you Sir Edmund," though his eyes roll back into his head and Logan is back in one contorted movement.

Logan looks tired and just sighs as he gets up to wash the paint off his hands.

Carlos ends up hanging the painting in his room- because while George never said Carlos could have it Carlos decided that he does enough stealing that he couldn't bejrudge Carlos a painting. Besides Carlos is utterly anomored with it in a strange way, and wants to keep it.

Logan would have just chucked it out.

Logan doesn't mention it and the next time he's not quite himself- neither does George.

******BTR******

Camille has never once kissed Logan when he's in an episode. She wouldn't go as far to say it would be cheating- but she knows Logan well enough to know that he wouldn't be cool if she went around kissing him when he was... 'The other Logan' as Kendall liked to call it.

Kendall always treated Logan like there WAS a different person inside him- that when normal Logan wasn't talking and walking around; he must be in a different world.

Camille isn't as delusional. She knows her boyfriend's a little crazy- but it doesn't bother her one bit because craziness was just a word. And Logan was such a good boyfriend- that it was totally normal that he had more baggage then than baggage claim. That was just how these things went.

Camille isn't known as the pinnacle of sanity anyway.

She was bigger than life and a total drama queen and she knew that wasn't the half of all her eccentricities.

She was violently passionate and sometimes she could be incredibly stupid at the most inconvenient moments.

That didn't stop Logan from loving her though.

They were both cracked broken people- lucky to have found one another. Camille was sure of that.

"Hey Camille" a voice called out and she looked up in time to spot James-from-drama-class heading straight for her.

"Hey James" she smiled, tucking a loose few strands of hair behind her ear and closing her book of Othello. He gave her a wide smug grin a mimic the motion, brushing a few long fine strands out of his eyes.

"You reconsider going to the movies yet?"

She flushed- he was easily the most gorgeous boy she'd ever met and his overwhelming attention was starting to get to her. Then Logan appeared in her mind and she suddenly couldn't care less about him. At least… that's what she told herself.

"I'm seeing someone already," she rolled her eyes and picked the book up to cover her face.

"Someone prettier than me?" he asked her pulling at her book trying to gage her facial expression. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction so she instantly pulled it back up to cover her face.

"Much" she emphasised and he scowled at her.

"I don't believe you."

"Okay... maybe NOT prettier- but definitely cuter. And he's smart and sweet and-"

James raised his hand with an annoyed sigh "yeah- fine just tell me when you get sick of mister perfect okay?"

Camille patted him on the head as if he could never understand- a sentiment she truly believed.

James picks up the book disinterestedly "Ew- why would you be reading this?"

"It's Logan's- Logan is my boyfriend by the way, anyway it is his favourite Shakespeare play." she told him with a grin ignoring is exasperated expression that they were somehow back on about her unfortunate unavailability.

"I thought I'd brush up- seeing as we're performing scenes tomorrow."

"WHAT?" James scratched several octaves too high a slammed his hands on the table. He stood up quickly "THAT'S TOMORROW?"

People were starting to stare but Camille had been never been concerned with an audience and she leant her chin on her hands. "Yes James" she drawled with a certain amount of humour in her voice.

"" he told her and ran off in a way people might run away from something terrifying.

She let out a giggle- the assignment wasn't due for another two weeks but the look of panic on James had made the little white lie worth it.

Her phone sang out and Camille fished it from her bag. The picture that lit up the screen had Logan smiling his embarrassed little half smile that Camille found so endearing. Camille was just within the frame kissing kiss cheek and on the other side a fairly drunken Kendall was almost out of frame kissing his other cheek.

That pretty much summed up there relationship- Camille on one side and Kendall on the other.

She answered the phone and Logan's voice floated through the speakers.

"Hey babe- I miss you."

Logan's 'other' personality was back, she thought with a grin.

"Hey bay-be," she purred back and she could imagine the cocky grin that never marred Logan's face unless something flipped a switch and he was different.

Logan had been different when she first met him- he had been wild and odd and completely beautiful. She had been fifteen and he had been rebelling in an odd way... vandalising random lockers by stuffing them with newspaper, confetti and in one locker rosebuds.

She had asked him why and his said he hated himself- and this was the best way to piss him off.

The next time she saw him, he was being beaten up by the football captain; for filling his locker full of wilting flower petals. He was venomously denying the incident had ever occurred and he didn't seem to have any recollection of Camille either- even though he has spent a great deal of time flirting with her before.

She liked the new Logan even better- he was so adorably confused, and even more socially inept back then than he was now.

She followed him around until he agreed to be friends- and it wasn't long after that until she had convinced him they could be something more.

And she hadn't once looked back.

"I haven't seen you in a while" Logan told her and she let out a small smile.

"I'm at college right now- but we can talk if you like."

"Brilliant- tell me everything."

******BTR******

"And then she said he was prettier than me!"

Kendall tried to turn up the volume of his iPod but realised it was already as high as it could go. He could STILL here his roommate complaining about some girl that had 'the nerve' not to go out with him.

Kendall had most DEFINITELY gotten the short end of the stick in the roommate department. Logan had gotten sweet, tidy if not a little overly cautious Carlos.

And Kendall had gotten James Diamond.

"She took it back of course- not that I was worried or anything. I mean just LOOK at me."

So he did.

Then he threw a book at his head.

"Ah- totally not cool Kendall" James dodged the book and fixed his hair that had been jostled and slipped out of it's perfect disarray. That's all Kendall had been trying to do with the book anyway- so he counted it as a success.

"Are you still blabbering on about that stupid girl from drama class?" he pulled his headphones off his head and flung them violently down on his bed to illustrate his frustration.

The gesture was seemly lost on James though.

"CAMILLE" he enunciated the word like Kendall didn't speak English as a first language. "Is more than just some- some chick from drama class, I have a deep spiritual connection with her."

"Isn't that what said about Selana? So did the deep spiritual connect leave after you got another type of deep connection."

James glared but Kendall continued giddily "or how about Annie after she let you into her ocean floor?"

James scrunched up his nose "dude- that innuendo didn't even make sense? What does Annie virginity have to do with the ocean?"

"Ah nothing except maybe- YOU GUYS DID IT ON THE BEACH and SHE'S a marine biology major?"

"Oh yeah... It's kind of creepy you remember that stuff..."

"It's kind of sad you DON'T remember" Kendall furrowed his eyebrows in annoyance.

"I guess it's natural- the closest thing you have to a romantic relationship is that nerdy kid that's always coming round here." James wiggled his eyebrows "or... IS that your romantic relationship?"

"NO!" Kendall said defensively, he was well aware that sometimes he went a little overboard with protecting him and going out of his way to include him. But he had lived next door to Logan his entire life and Logan had never had a friend besides him and Camille (and you could hardly count Camille as ever being a friend when she had ALWAYS been trying to get into Logan's pants.)

So Kendall tried to make up for it by being enough of a friend to Logan that he never worried that no one else was being one.

He really should back off a little now they were college and Logan was friends with Carlos- and even talked about some people he was on first name basis with at his classes.

If fact Kendall knew that this was the time to be backing off... but maybe it was hard to break habits. And maybe Logan was something of a best friend to Kendall and he didn't want to loose that.

"His name is Logan" Kendall muttered, though the name never sat well for him since when they met he was the more colourfully named 'Hortense' instead.

"Yeah your bi-polar buddy" James rolled his eyes "wait... did you say Logan? Does... does Logan have a girlfriend?"

"James" Kendall said sharply "if this is where you call me a girl I will punch you in the face."

"I wasn't- though that would be hilARious for you to attempt. I was actually being sincere" he told the blonde and when Kendall gave him a look that screamed 'I don't believe you even a little' had added "what? A man can't be interested in a roommates boyfriend- oh wait look at that. I did fit a crack at your sexuality in there."

Kendall threw another book and then realised he just ran out of a book so pelted him with one of his vans.

"SO touchy," James laughed. That was when there was a knock on the door and James looked at Kendall, willing him the answer it but the blonde just glared him. "FINE" he sighed in annoyance and went to the door.

Logan was at the door leaning on the doorframe with a rather out of place smile on his face and dressed in clothes that seemed way to casual for the usually incredibly buttoned up boy.

"What are you wearing?"

"Well hello to you too" Logan rolled his eyes and pushed his way in the room and walked over to Kendall. "I 're-met' this girl on my floor" he wiggled his eyebrows "and she told me that she had a thing for psychology majors."

"I'm NOT a psychology major" Kendall pointed out with a grimace "and please don't try and set me up again- EVERY TIME you're here you try and set me up with these RANDOM girls- where do you even FIND them?"

"Well... I found this one in the hall- but I firmly believe that girls can be found anywhere and TOTALLY should." Logan gave him a sly grin and Kendall rubbed his temples... he hadn't known 'other' Logan all that long but he could be so annoying.

"Plus- you know I'M not aloud to do anything when I'm here. Dude I have a girlfriend here and I'm STILL not getting laid! I pretty sure I saw her first and everything," Logan raged but he was being rather humorous about the whole thing.

"I'm pretty sure they've never-"

"Oh yes they HAVE" Logan rolled his eyes.

"So you DO have a girlfriend" James interrupted and Logan raised an eyebrow at him.

"Disappointed James? It's alright if you are- almost everyone gets confused in college."

James spluttered and Kendall laughed. Yeah sometimes other Logan was annoying- but most of the time he just ended up being hilarious.

"Is her name Camille?"

"You know Camille?" Kendall asked and then realisation dawned on his face "wait... SHE'S the girl from drama class who keeps turning you down?"

"Dude- you're trying to hook up with my girlfriend?" Logan added in mock anger "if I cared at all I'd be super pissed right now- as it stands I'm just kind of amused. You seem pretty horrified about it."

Was James feeling... guilty?

"She thinks YOU'RE cuter than ME?"

False alarm.

"I AM cuter than you" Logan snickered and Kendall made a mad scramble to reclaim his lost van. Logan was acting more of a troll than usual and James usually didn't respond well to-

"WHAT?"

That...

"Come on Logan- there's this street artist you should see" he grabbed the boy's arm harshly and pulled him towards the door.

"Don't bother," Logan's eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fell to the floor. He spasms on the floor for a few short moments before flexing out unnaturally.

"HOLY SHIT WHAT'S HAPPENING?" James jumped up on the bed and Kendall rushed towards to move the chair that Logan had landed next to.

"He's epileptic" Kendall told him.

"Jesus- what medication is he on? He obviously needs a stronger dose!"

Kendall faltered- Logan... wasn't ON any medication… come to think of it maybe that would help.

Logan stood up, "oh hey guys," he said nonchalantly making a quick assessment of the room and his positioning in it. "Did I just... get here? Or was I just leaving?"

"We're leaving-" Kendall walked up to him and steered him out the door.

"You should go to the psych Logan" James called out with genuine concern "get your dosage check- and the nurse I think you hit your head!"

The door shut and Logan turned to Kendall. "What happened?"

"Nothing... He- um YOU were just winding James up."

"Sounds like him" Logan muttered with a certain level of fondness in his voice.

"You know Logan... there IS a psychologist on campus... maybe it would be worth looking in to..."

"You think? O-okay I trust you, if you think I-I need to see one..."

Kendall wanted to look back on this event and say that getting Logan to go to see a psychologist had been a good thing. In reality things were about to get more horrible than either could imagine.

"You can always trust me" Kendall promised with an easy grin "I think this'll really help- at least get your fits under control."

"Cool- well until then, wanna grab lunch?"

"It's eight o'clock at night Loges" Kendall laughed and Logan's face fell, he muttered so quietly that Kendall almost didn't hear.

"Is it just me- or am I going for longer and longer?"

**Please review**


	3. Take what you have with you

**Author's note: I don't have a lot of experience with mental health patients and am not versed in the dosages off the top of my head- while everything is within a safe range the progression given is probably off. Dosages are difficult and I am not a doctor, so take that with a grain of salt.**

**Medication dosage: ****Lamotrigine 100mg BD**

Logan's hand is shaking so badly that he can't hold a pen so he's taping all his lectures with a tape recorder.

He stuffs his hands into his pockets so nobody will notice.

But they do.

He constantly looks like he's about to nod off but just when he feels like he's finally going to sleep he's hit with the realisation he can't. He would claw at his skin for the satisfaction for his sleep deprived body to feel something, but he doesn't want his skin to go all red and blotchy again.

He KNOWS people have noticed that one.

His doctor's tell him that it's normal, just a side effect of the medication. Logan knows this, intellectually anyway. But for some reason it doesn't sit right with him that something that is supposed to be making him better is making him feel worse.

He goes to sleep and wakes up to find a mural on his wall of an invading army. He wonders if the other him is trying to send him a message.

He's too tired to care.

**Medication dosage:****Lamotrigine 100mg BD, Sodium Valporate 400mg BD**

Every time he tries to stand up his vision starts to swim and he sinks back to the ground.

The medication makes him nauseous and he's cradling the toilet bowl for the millionth time. Carlos has the afternoon off and unfortunately spends most of it trying to dry the sweat off his forehead and suggesting maybe Logan needs to get a haircut before he winded up with clumps of hair permanently ingrained in his skin.

Suddenly he feels an entirely different kind of nauseous and he looks up and Carlos is laughing.

"Dude- it's your own fault for drinking that much in the first place! Did you expect NOT to have a massive hangover?!"

Carlos wipes his forehead and everything goes black.

He wakes up and Carlos is so close to his face their noses might touch.

"You should definitely get your money back- I haven't seen you fit like that in a while."

Logan hated everything. Just everything.

**Medication dosage: ****Lamotrigine 200mg BD, Sodium Valporate 400mg BD**

"You don't want me to come to your therapist appointments anymore," Kendall said with more hurt in his voice than he probably had right to. It wasn't like it was couples counselling- Logan spoke about some extremely private things there. The fact that he hadn't wanted to do it at all without Kendall had been extremely flattering but unnecessary.

It was natural that after a few sessions he would feel comfortable enough to do it on his own.

Logan wasn't comfortable though. He was never going to be comfortable with sharing what was happening to him, Kendall just hadn't figured out why yet.

He would because it was becoming more and more evident with each session that Kendall's call in life was psychology.

Good.

Good that he found his passion. Great that he would become a doctor. One of them should.

And that's what Kendall hadn't worked out yet.

You could be a doctor seeing a therapist. You could be a doctor with epilepsy and depression- what they currently were treating him for. But sooner or later they were going to decided what he had.

You couldn't be a doctor with a mental illness diagnosis hanging over your head. You just couldn't.

"It's for the best- I think your making things difficult for the therapist."

If it **was** schizophrenia it would take years to diagnose thanks to protocol. Although in the mean time they could slap any number of diagnoses on his file, heavily medicate him and call it a day.

He would never get hired. He's life was over before he'd even gotten a chance to live it.

His fit's came on so quickly it was over before it began and an invader was stretching his fingers and giving Kendall a sloppy smile.

"mmmmm- sorry what were we talking about Ken-doll."

Kendall winced. That was one of the things about… what had Carlos been calling him? George. He pronounced his name differently- like how a girl would talk about a life partner for their Barbie doll.

Ken doll.

Thanks to Logan's endearing slightly southern accent he called him Kindle, like the electronic book reader.

It would be too much to ask that either of them call him Kendall. The way his mother had intended, at least.

"It's nothing George… we were just having a private conversation."

Something lit across Logan's face that had the same quality as when Logan worked out a difficult math problem. Only there wasn't something ugly that was becoming less foreign on Logan's face the more exposure Kendall had to George.

"No you weren't. You guys were fighting! Wow! Have the stars aligned- I mean this is a once in a lifetime thing!" his smirk might be playful but George was slowly becoming meaner every time he came out and his smirk was twisted. "You guys are in love right? Ah don't worry Kendall, even the most perfect relationship has its moments."

"How is this any of your business?!"

George's eyes narrow, "he's hiding something from me- the other Logan."

"How would you know? You've never even met him," Kendall snapped crankily. Kendall had been researching multiple personality disorders even though Logan would kill him if he knew. George didn't behave like an alternate personality. He didn't come out when Logan was stressed- and he certainly didn't know anything about the real Logan.

The 'real' Logan

What a concept.

"So? You guys are conspiring. I will work out what it issssssahhhhh" Logan slipped into a seizure. Though this one was longer and he fell to the floor, the classic symptoms presenting themselves.

Kendall preferred them to the silent ones. Where he seemed to disappear all together like there was NO ONE there- until there was again.

Kendall had nightmares about Logan slipping into a seizure and never coming out again.

Kendall didn't sleep very much anymore.

**Medication dosage:****Lamotrigine 100mg BD, Sodium Valporate 400mg BD**

They're weaning him off that stupid drug because now he's in hospital for hypovolemia. Which is just a fancy word for when you don't have enough fluid in your body.

The drug has been making him vomit, and sweat and given him a severe case of the runs for two weeks and he's still fading in and out of the other world.

He might even enjoy the other world only whatever medication he's taking in his world seems to be seeping over into the other world and people are starting to think that he's really sick over there.

Why wouldn't you? Rash that makes you scratch until you pour with blood, vomiting so severe you can't speak and diarrhoea. They all sound like horrible symptoms. Really.

He's hooked up to an IV of normal saline and whatever else the doctors put in to hydrate him and he would probably be kept under observation.

They had given him a battery of tests before putting him on medication… three months ago. God. Had it really been three months? Anyway, he didn't want to give anymore blood, he was sick of being hooked up to wires and frankly none of it so far had done so much as dent in his actual problem.

Maybe he was going to have to come clean about exactly 'what' was happening when he had seizures. It could ruin his life… but what was the alternate? Let it stay the same.

Does he give up the life he wants or keep the life he has?

**Medication dosage: ****Carbamazepine 600 mg QID**

The decision is taken out of his hands when he finally shifts in front of a medical professional.

His therapist to be exact.

George is abrasive but just convincing enough that she believes something's wrong- but doesn't quite guess what that means.

He knows it's just a matter of time before they start throwing words around like multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia and it's all over.

But for now she's just curious.

He just has to starve it off another way.

The pills are finally starting to take effect and he is only seizing on average once a day. He's still shifting but they've turned to the silent seizures and Logan doesn't like to count them if he's not rolling around on the floor. Otherwise he was just going to get really depressed.

He starts trying to make them come on early in the day- but he's never TRIED to shift before. So far everything has been useless.

He has found a way to smother the shift. He can't imagine anyone would approve.

Depriving yourself of oxygen is general frowned upon.

**Medication dosage: ****Carbamazepine 600 mg QID, ****fluoxetine 20 mg OD**

Logan is blinking.

And he wished he meant with his eyes.

He is shifting in and out of his reality and the other within the span of how long it takes him to blink.

It's making him feel kind of sick actually.

Kendall is trying to hold a conversation with him, but he is only hearing every other word and can't understand exactly WHAT Kendall is trying to get at.

He's sure he's not being a very good conversationalist as of late, and the constant changing expressions must be at least a little off putting for Kendall.

In the other world, he is apparently on a date. It doesn't require much speaking on his part, as his date is vapid and ridiculous in a way that he assumed only existed in terrible scripted teen shows.

It was terribly difficult to keep track and it seemed like he actually tried to hold Kendall's hand in a moment of confusion. And the sudden indignant look on his date's face indicated that the other Logan had accidentally called her Kendall.

They both finally excused themselves and laid down but the damage was mostly done.

Logan closed his eyes and he was in the dorm of his other 'self'. There are brightly coloured posters on the wall and the floor is littered with clothes that may or may not belong to the man currently occupying his body.

He lies there for a while- the blinking had seemingly ended. That was a relief.

He fell asleep and woke up in his own body.

There was an angry letter addressed to him, written on the wall in biro.

'WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO OUR BODY?!'

It took Logan an hour to scrub it from the wall.

He didn't want anyone to see it- he'd imagine they'd think he was crazier than they already thought.

And people were thinking that now.

**Medication dosage: ****Carbamazepine 600 mg QID, ****fluoxetine 20 mg OD**

Logan is losing his mind and the only thing keeping him grounded is holding onto Camille.

It's cruel though, impossibly so.

He's sucking the life out of her every time she sees him become just a little sicker. Every gesture she tries to make about loving him seems unreal and so very undeserving.

Camille is a light in a dark place.

It's like having a star as your only source of light over a sun. It does little more than taunt at Logan until the sight of his own girlfriend is making him sick… or maybe that's just the nausea coming back.

"Hey James" Logan cocks his head and eyes the pretty boy who had slumped down tiredly on the couch. James is so used to Logan staying over now he generally treats Logan like a piece of furniture. Nothing to be bothered over one way or another.

"Have you and Camille been hanging out lately?"

That piques his interest and a slow but beautiful smile creeps onto his face at the thought of her. Logan recognised the look. That used to be the look HE got when he thought about Camille Roberts. He still sometimes had that look… as long as he was alone.

"Why? did she mention me?!"

Logan knows the break up is inevitable. Logan wants her to be happy, but Logan is a very selfish man.

Maybe because above all else he doesn't want it to be his fault. He doesn't want to be the person who ruined it.

Because once upon a time it could have been something great.

"Oh yeah all the time- you should call her."

**Medication Dosage: ****Carbamazepine 1200 mg QID, ****fluoxetine 60 mg OD**

Logan only sees the other world in his dreams now- and even then he's sure it's only 'dreams' and not… whatever else he had been doing all this time.

He sees Carlos and he's so painfully like the Carlos of his own reality. That must be it he's been dreaming all this time. He never once thought any of this was real because temporary insanity is better than just plain old insanity.

He stops sleeping but that doesn't stop the dreams.

**Medication Dosage: ****Carbamazepine 1800 mg QID, ****fluoxetine 60 mg OD**

Logan is bored in his law and ethics class, which is so unlike himself that he feels himself up to ensure he is actually himself. He then has to deal with the odd looks he gets for pulling such a stunt in public.

He eventually just sinks into his seat.

He's apathetic. It's to expected. He's on enough meds to sink a battleship and the antidepressants couldn't be less effective if he actually was depressed. Which he doesn't believe he is.

His doctor had referred to his 'an apparent lack of affect' as an unfortunate side effect and was probably weighing up the pros and cons of changing his medication again.

"Mr. Mitchell am I boring you?"

Lecturers never bothered to learn names- God knows there were too many for people to be more than a number. However every lecturer Logan had, had at some point committed his name to memory. It was always worth it. Logan had always been an enthusiastic learner.

His lecturer might be in general shock with Logan's disinterest.

"Actually- yeah a little."

Logan didn't really have any first hand experience with disrespecting anyone. But it was sort of satisfying.

Other Logan usually just skipped his lectures or bullshitted his way through Logan's tutorials. So while it wasn't exactly shocking to his peers- the blank emotionless expression that coupled his statement actually stunned a few people into silence.

"You can always leave" the lecturer told him generously and Logan shrugged and looked unconcerned until she was unnerved enough to attempt lecturing again.

"So what is an ethical dilemma?"

Several people shouted out answers and Logan tuned them out.

"An ethical dilemma is a situation that will often involve an apparent mental conflict between moral imperatives, in which to obey one would result in transgressing another." A girl with red streaks in her hair piped up with a similarly bored expression on her face.

"Good- break up into groups and discuss potential ethical dilemmas."

Logan immediately turned around to the girl who had answered the question. He had been correct in assuming no one would wish to partner up with either of them.

"What about the ethical dilemma of coming to class drugged out of your mind three weeks in a row and then trying to take notes?" she asked with a vicious smile- and yes people HAD actually moved away from them out of sheer uncomfortableness.

"I didn't realise you were high Lucy" he shot back "but this, explains SO much about your personality. Tell me- are you pleasant sober or is that just a myth."

"Drug free since 2003 baby- haven't you heard I'm a strong believer in natural medicines."

"Do you count marijuana as a natural medicine?" he asked in a snide tone and she snickered.

"Depends... am I a cancer patient in this scenario?"

He fell silent and she studied his face closely "so... it's not cancer- I imagine you'd be vomiting and loosing your hair right about now, but its something."

She looks at him like she'd like to dissect him to work out how he ticked- the mark of a good potential doctor he thought hysterically.

"I'll put the kibosh on your sick little game right now, it's epilepsy." Logan told her easily- everyone knew he had epilepsy. It wasn't exactly something he could hide; he'd fitted enough times on campus. Plus people who knew always had a specific way the acted around him- Lucy was coiled like a spring. Ready to spring into action if need be.

She knew.

"Epilepsy is a symptom not a disease."

The lecture had started back up but the conversation didn't end and most people had moved out of hearing range after the conversation started.

Logan wondered what the lecturer would make of the sudden migration to the front of the lecture theatre. Maybe she would think she was competent at her job.

"What about childhood epilepsy?" he asked with a shrug and she quirked an eyebrow at him that reminded him so much of Kendall it was actually off putting.

"What about undetermined diagnosis" she rolled her eyes "what? Are they just pumping you full of drugs to see whatever sticks?"

"Well right now they're investigating schizophrenia and good old fashioned multiple personality disorder. Personally I'm pulling for bi-polar disorder with visual and auditory hallucinations."

The lecture ended and Lucy sat dumbly until Logan stood and walked away. She followed him quickly, shoving books in her bag as she went.

"I- I hadn't realised it was neurological I-"

"Lucy what do you want? We've shared MULTIPLE classes this year but you never speak to me, why the sudden-"

Logan suddenly became very pale and looks like he might vomit. "Why are you all of a sudden- sudden-"

He collapsed to the ground.

"LOGAN?!"

Lucy was down next to him immediately, she shook him and them went to his shoulders. Twisting at his shoulders in a way that should have been criminally painful- her face close to his, "shit! He's not breathing! Someone call 911!"

She began compressions and someone fell to the ground next to her and covered their mouth over Logan's.

"God damn it Logan! BREATH!"

**Medication Dosage: ****Carbamazepine 600 mg QID, ****fluoxetine 80 mg OD**

Logan spends a lot of time in hospitals now and they check him out. Check his lungs and his heart and his head.

They are especially worried about that last one.

But Logan is good at lying now.

It's easy when he doesn't feel anything at all and it's almost laughably easy to convince his therapist once and for all that his biggest problems are his epilepsy, depression and mild anxiety.

All fixable… treatable… well, they can give him a shit load of pills. He'll be good as new.

Logan catches Camille and James kissing in Kendall's dorm room shortly after his hospital stay and he can't even muster up enough feeling to be sad or angry or even satisfied that everything has acted in accordance to plan.

She cries with him and begs him but it's not about a kiss. If it were that simple he'd kiss James too and they'd call it even but it's so far beyond the problem that he feels silly for pretending that's why they're breaking up.

Camille deserves beautiful things in her life and James is something beautiful.

That's why she and Logan could never work out.

His skin flares up and he dramatically looses and gains weight and he wills himself out of bed every morning and goes to class. Life carries on without her there.

…Life carries on without HIM there. George never comes out to play and Logan wonders if he is as relieved as Logan is.

Sometimes Logan privately wonders if he ever existed at all.

Lucy becomes a friend. Someone to replace Camille without all the messy entanglements that go with a romantic relationship and maybe if he joins a club and stays in shape and tries to be social he can patch the holes riddled in him.

The drugs numb the pain but they can't hide the fact that a part of Logan has died.

Logan looks down in his hand and counts out the pills he needs to take in the morning. He swallows them quickly and picks up a newspaper that he starts to read.

Life goes on.

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